Aging Parents

Our latest reason for teeth-grinding

Sympathies to those who have lost their parents already, whether to death or estrangement. Perhaps this topic can apply to aging friends or in-laws.

Yup. We’re parenting our parents now. More than a quarter of American adults (half of those in their 40s) are in the sandwich between teens and aging parents. Seventy percent of us will either help pay for or at least manage our parents’ healthcare. It can happen gradually as we notice them struggle. Or it can happen suddenly, with a medical event.

We will cut hours at work, refuse promotions or maybe even quit altogether to care full time. And that invisible work we talked about two weeks ago? Through the goddamn roof. These are the people that did a great (okay, non-criminally negligent) job of raising us and installed all our triggers. It’s gonna be emotional, it’s gonna be tough. Here are some things that might help.

Shameless Action

Pick your battles. They’re adults and chances are, they’re not changing their stripes at this late stage. Sure, mom, leave those Halloween decorations up until Valentine’s Day. You know what, dad, you’re right, we might just need those old magazines so let’s get them into a bin, okay? If it’s not causing harm (and isn’t a sign of something worrisome), exhale and let them be weird.

Seek help… for yourself. It’s time to tap out with the slacker sibling. Let them explain the iPhone update this time. (Review the bit on boundaries in our first newsletter). Meet up or text with a friend who is also dealing with bonkers boomers. Find a local support group and use the services that are available in your state (only a third of people who qualify use them!).

Now for the hard one: calmly ask what they need right now. Give them options and agency, if possible. Gently feel them out on where important documents might be, like a list of doctors or passwords. It’s never too early to start these convos but it is often too late.

Bonus Batch of Resources

Hereafter Partners: Book recs, checklists, seminars (in-person in New Jersey and online) about end of life planning (yeah, we feel woozy thinking about it too)

Six Things to Look For: a quick list of red flags for your next visit

The Five Wishes: a user-friendly, gentle approach to creating a medical directive - good for them and good for you

CareerCareGivingCollide: a beautiful, honest Instagram account chronicling a woman’s caregiving for her mother with Alzheimer’s. My heart.

More Bonus: think about getting your shingles vaccine

Next time: the Belly War or, wtf is happening in midtown