Partners

Deja vu the DTR

For our single people out there, apply this to close friendships or bookmark it for if/when you partner up.

You know, the slow-moving object that leaves dishes “to soak,” who thinks your family is crazy, and reads the news aloud (even after you say, “yeah, I read that”).

Research shows that 75% of people in perimenopause experience significant identity shifts. While physical symptoms often dominate the conversation, the emotional impact runs deep. But only 31% feel comfortable discussing these changes with their partners. In fact, 64% say their partners don't understand what they're going through. Why aren’t we connecting anymore?

What says “relationship” better than two contradictory things that are true at the same time? Here ya go:

They’re familiar. We might’ve lived with this human for a decade, maybe two. It’s normal to be in a rut, take each other for granted, maybe even have some bad habits relating to each other. You know exactly where their buttons are and vice versa.

They’ve changed. And so have you. Who you are as a couple has evolved. Power dynamics shift: if there are kids, who took the lead on parenting? Whose job dominated the daily schedule and decision-making? Maybe that dynamic ended up somewhere you don’t like.

Cumulative resentment is real, with the inverse amount of tolerance for the same old bullshit. That wonder drug estrogen used to produce serotonin and dopamine in the brain, smoothing over a lotta bumps in the relationship road. (Yes, you’ve been basically doing molly since puberty.)

The past might have landed you and your partner somewhere weird, the present is a hot mess of new problems (health, stress, aging parents), and the future looks like another round of fighting. Up from 8%, now more than a third of all divorces occur in the over-50 crowd. Time to check in on the relationship with your partner.

Shameless Action

Action is important – self-silencing can make you sick. This midlife moment requires real honesty. With ourselves and from our partner.

Figure out if you’re both in it, for real. If things are tough (and only getting tougher), determine whether you’re both committed to staying together. What are you each willing to do to make that happen? Realign yourselves: you’re not enemies but allies working toward a common goal.

What do you really need but aren’t getting? Does your partner have the capacity to offer it? If they can’t, can you (reasonably) find it elsewhere? Nurture friendships; cultivate interests outside your partnership; join a group (book club? volunteer program? online class?). It doesn’t just take a village to raise children. We need the village to meet our human needs.

Having trouble starting the convo? There are lots of resources online (pro tip: the number one thing to do to improve any relationship is to listen with attention – not just wait for your turn to talk). If podcasts are your jam, try this one or most of Esther Perel (the episode “You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married” is the whole dang truth).

Next time: the right side of your brain called; it misses you